Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Dicks are not precious.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
