ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
