Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
