So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
