Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
