I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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