He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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