either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
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