come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
