Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
