the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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