I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
