The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
