I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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