Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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