Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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