Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize