Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
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