chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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