Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
