And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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