i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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