and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
