I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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