Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Oh god it's open bar.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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