so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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