Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
he told me I talked like a deaf person
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
