Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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