I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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