Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Randomize
