We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
