Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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