I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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