there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
