I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
