Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
