I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize