i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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