Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
