Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Randomize
