You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
