I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
