I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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