when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
