My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
