I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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