Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
cat food counts as protein by the way
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
