Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
