Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
