Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
