He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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