Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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