she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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