I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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