the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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