evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
