A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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