bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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