I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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